Today marks the one year anniversary of the birth and death of our precious little warrior, #CharisYiu aka Bubbles, who beat the odds and survived until 31 weeks when we were told numerous times since 11 weeks that she wouldn't survive another week or two.
When I see other babies, I would often wonder if Charis would coo like that, cry like that, smile like that, drool like that, crawl like that.... a lot dreams and what if''s if she did survive outside my womb.
But here we are now, a year after Charis has gone to be with Jesus. I've had some days when the pain was so crushing that I had to avoid thinking about her, some days when I am just struggling to breath and trying to get through the day, and there were a few days where I could reminisce the little of memories I have of her and still smile.
It is so painful because we are in the living and Charis is not. Slowly, I realized that God is the same God in life, and in death. I thought, if God is with Charis in death, then death isn't such a horrible place to be in. I am thankful that Charis doesn't have to endure any pain or suffering and is in peace. I just miss her terribly.
I am thankful for the relationship I had with my daughter. She was very much alive even before she was born and allowed me to persevere as we anticipated that we could lose her at any moment... I may not look like a mother because I don't have a living child in my arms, but I am proud to be a mother to Charis, because such status means that she existed, she mattered, and that she was loved.
I used to struggle immensely with the fact that I have very little memories and only 3 days of pictures with her, and with the fear of losing such little memories.
I am learning to accept and find peace with such reality. I honour her memory and keep her memory alive when I bring her stuffed bunny to far places and special occassions, and when I do little things in her honour. Although these actions are bittersweet and do bring sadness because she is gone, I firmly believe that as I face my grief, whenever I have the courage to, and with time, I will heal, and I will be able to do these things with a smile.
The past month, with mother's day and Charis' birthday, I was not only thinking of our Charis "Bubbles", and the grace we received from our family, friends and work family, but also the parents out there who have lost their babies and children, especially those who may be enduring this silently and alone, whether it is because they are a private person, or because those around feel they should have moved on, or because of our society that is inherently uncomfortable discussing death.
After a year of struggling between avoiding and processing grief, and reading many bereaved parents' sharing and blogs, I experienced first hand that there isn't a formula for surviving and processing grief and everyone does it differently. And it is true that special days and occassions make it harder for us as grieving parents and grandparents.
For me, when anyone gives me a chance to talk about Charis, I feel as though you have allowed me to acknowdlege her existence, allowed me to feel like a mother by talking about my daughter like what other moms, and shared a bit of my grief and sadness.
I am so thankful for when friends, family, church members, and coworkers who prayed with me or for me, who asked about how my family has been doing, who cried with me, who hugged me, who remembered me and Charis on special days like yesterday, who visited Charis' grave, who aren't afraid to be with me when I cry, and those who are simply present.
I am especially grateful for my workplace for allowing me to continue my passion as a pediatric nurse. I was close to quitting my job because of how extremely hard it was to even simply look a babies at work, let alone picking up and consoling babies. I am so thankful that my work offered to slowly and systematically integrate me back to full duties. I am not there yet, but there is progress. My work family has been extremely supportive. Gifting me a keepsake necklace with Charis' name and birthdate, sharing the ups and downs in our lives with each other, recognizing my need and pulling me aside to cry together with me in the coat room, hugging me to encourage me, and sending me warm and fuzzy messages.
All the grace that I have received from God and from all of you because of our experience with Charis, I hope to someday return to others.
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