But He loved her more.

It's been so long since I posted here. Life became so busy with work, pregnancy after loss, having my rainbow baby who had some medical issues, and just trying to keep up with the mom life. I want to make more time to write here... about the joys and struggles of grieving while conceiving after Charis, raising a rainbow baby, and more. I hope it's something that brings some strength and light in the midst of our similar circumstances that brought you here to my blog.   


The past month, I have been studying the book of Joshua in the Bible at BSF International classes. Many Christians have heard the famous verse from Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”  It was not until I started to study Joshua, that I started to understand how much promise, how much weight, how much love, comes with this command from God. I have been feeling a bit dry and dead inside lately, not having the time and energy to think of Charis, among many other things I have to deal with, and today, I saw how God used Joshua to comfort me and ignite the fire in me. 


I have so far finished up to chapter 12 of Joshua and I couldn't help but keep on reflecting on how I depended on God when I carried Charis and when I had to process my grief of losing her (Also because we named our rainbow baby, "Jordan," based on our experience with God through Charis, and the events that occurred in Jordan River, as recorded in the book of Joshua). Was I strong and courageous because I depended on God's love and faithfulness, and trusted that his plans were always higher, greater, and best for me? In the moments of such tremendous struggles I looked to God to keep me afloat in the deep turbulent waters. This past year as a second time, but new, mom, I have been just trying to stay afloat by my own physical strength rather than praying unceasingly to God for His guidance and strength. I've been so physically drained, just trying to survive each day taking care of my newborn (who is almost one year old by now), myself and my husband, while dealing with anxiety from other things. I just need to stop and place God above my own schedules and tasks and just start looking at him. 

I need to pray like Joshua. I need to trust like Joshua, in the big things and in the small things. 

Very often throughout the book of Joshua, as Joshua faced many giants and mission (humanly) impossibles, God told Joshua to be strong and courageous because he had a God who was victorious, who already conquered all, and because his success in all of these battles depended on his trust in God alone. Time and time again, He forgave the Israelites when they repented from their sin or when they messed up when they didn't seek God's guidance. He even saved Rahab, a prostitute and Moabite, because she acknowledged His sovereignty and asked for His mercy, and from her lineage was born King David, and later Jesus Christ. God used supernatural methods to destroy the enemy, instructing the Israelites to let the horses live, but hamstringed, and to burn the chariots, to make the Israelites see how it wasn't by their military efforts that they conquered these lands, but by God's will and almighty power. He wanted the Israelites to see His sovereignty and faithfulness. I saw how when Joshua thought he could deal with a small issue on his own without consulting God, things ended terribly. Thankfully, he quickly took ownership of the mistake and turned back to God. God again and again reminded him that the victory was God's, and Joshua just had to trust and obey. 

However, as I read about how there were literally no survivors, I struggled with the imagery of children being put to the sword and couldn't wrap my mind around why God would allow that to happen. At the same time, I knew that as a limited human being, I only saw a snippet of what happened to these nations. I didn't see what crimes they committed, for how many generations, etc against God... I couldn't see what consequences would have happened if the Israelites allowed survivors in the conquest of the Promised Land when God instructed them not to (many times in the past, the Israelites sinned against God by worshiping idols and performing atrocious sacrifices because they adopted the practices of surviving enemies). Anyhow, I couldn't have known the bigger picture. 

But a sister in Christ in my group responded to my sharing, that everyone is God's creation. If we feel hurt for these children, how much more would it have hurt God? I was mindblown. Of course God didn't do this simply out of jealous rage. And then in lecture, the speaker reminded us that God loved his people so much that he had to protect them from evil at all costs... even if it meant sacrificing his own son, Jesus, to die on the cross for our sin and then rise victoriously again. John 3:16 - "For God loved the world so much that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not die but have eternal life"


How does this remind me of Charis? 

I tell Jordan that I love him but I also tell him that God loves him more. Today, I just realized I haven't said that about Charis much except when I carried her and whenever I sang the song, "I will carry you" by Selah. There was so much pain from losing saying goodbye to Charis (I don't want to use the word "losing" because I didn't lose her. She's in heaven waiting for me.) but if I loved her, God loved her more. If I ached for her defects, God ached more for her. God had his plans. Charis only knew love and warmth inside me. She knew my voice, she heard God's words and she jumped for joy when I sang praises to God in the morning. What a short and beautiful life. I have been struggling the past month, realizing how taking care of Jordan took away a lot of my time and energy to think about Charis, to visit Charis, to grieve for Charis. I haven't and felt like I couldn't slow down to do that. 

God knew about the sadness that I have been carrying everyday this past month. What a beautiful reminder and comfort that He sent to me through the studying something seemingly totally unrelated.  

Thank you God, for letting me know how much you love your people, how much you love me, how much you love Charis (more than I do). 

Thank you for reminding me that I need to be strong and courageous because you are a God who's bigger than all of my problems. 

Till we meet again, Charis, you're in the most beautiful place right now.